Wordsmith (dot com)

General bits of my wordsmithery:

Love is a form of temporary insanity that we all nurture, protect, and cultivate in hopes it someday blossoms into permanent insanity.

There are three things in life I believe in; something, something else, and the Oxford comma.

I’m not very good at remembering passwords to various profiles around the internet. On the off chance that I do remember it’s nothing short of an “alphanumericle.”

I’m not fluent in sarcasm, but I do speak it conversationally.  He said, sarcastically.

Sarcasm is my second language…it’s also my first language.

I have a thought, or an observation…I have a thoughtservation: the term irony has been so long misused, and that misuse accepted, that it has actually evolved into meaning the inaccurate meaning. …And isn’t THAT ironic? (He says, meaning, ironically, the literal/actual meaning.) 😀

The only things I allow to dampen my spirits, are mixers.

I believe there are two kinds of people in this world and there’s absolutely no difference between either of them.

I’ve been told I’m contrarian, but I disagree.

I’m so tough, it hurts.

I have a tendency to overthink things twenty-nine hours a day, seven and a half days a week.

Never trust anyone who says they’re happy. They’re either lying to you, or to themselves.

I’m so afraid of commitment I won’t even talk to a girl if she’s NAMED “Mary.”

I’m a big fan of self-deprecating humor, but I’m not very good at it.

I have a great respect for people whom can say “I believe in something and I therefore need to act accordingly.”  I have no respect for people whom say “I believe in something therefore YOU need to act accordingly.”

Napping is my second favorite holiday activity; next to sleeping, of course.

If there is one thing I need you to take away from this conversation it’s the following two things:

I’m just doing what I’m told until I’m told to do otherwise.

I think anyone whom can’t admit when they’ve made a mistake is a huge jerk-face…of course, I could be wrong about that.

I believe that not printing on both sides of a piece of paper is tantamount to kicking a tree right in the nuts.

I’m not a rightwinged nutjob, nor am I a leftwinged nutjob; don’t get me wrong, I’m still a nutjob, I’m just flightless.

I’m an atheist, and I think God is punishing me for it.

Simply put, nothing is simple.

I find math to be problematic.

There are no dumb questions, only stupid inquires.

If you are my ride or die, I choose die.  😉

I wish Montessori schools would combine their formal dances for their children’s cross-socialization benefits.  Of course, the resulting events would be known as Montissoirées.

I have a penchant for pretentious French words.

In school my handwriting was illegible, and my vocabulary was…what’s the word for illegible with speak-words? On the other hand, I was head of the class in punmanship!

When I microwave yesterday’s Mexican food I like to make it sound more appetizing by calling it “refajited.”

It’s best never to get into a romantic relationship with someone you love.

I once asked my favorite rap mogul “what rhymes with orange?” He contemplated for a moment, looked at me seriously, and replied. “Everythizzle.”

I wouldn’t date me; I could do a lot better.

I hate misanthropes…and everybody else.

She was as innocent as a forest fire; she couldn’t help destroying all she touched.

I’m just afraid that your writing and sense of humor in general may only appeal to a very niche audience, and by ‘very niche’ I mean “just you.”

I grew up in a really big and very supportive family, which sure, at first sounds really good. On the downside though it took me decades to come to the realization that I’m actually totally obnoxious to be around.

I only drink socially, but I am VERY social.  …also, nobody else necessarily needs to be around for me to BE social.

A small bunch of parsley should be called ‘a parcel.’

“You had me at Merlot.”

Oh no, kids are great. The only problem is, I hate them.

On a long enough timeline, the impossible becomes inevitable.

He’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, but he’s certainly the biggest.

I kick ass; I take names…sometimes I don’t so much bother with the names.

Dating is a practice in trial and error, and error, and error, and error.

I like to be right so much that I yell “GO FOR IT” on 1st, 2nd, and 3rd downs as well.

I can always count on you to disappoint me.

I want to love you but my heart just isn’t in it.

I’ve got two words for that idea: “NO! Twice.”

You know, I’ve read that in certain cultures, after a date, people make out.

Any moment of my life that I’m not actively telling you “I love you,” is a lie.

Maybe we should “stay right here” over there.

Every day you wake up a little less until you eventually don’t wake up at all.

I promise not to forget the little people whom made this possible…whomever you are.

Heartbroken is my natural state, girls are simply a symptom not the cause.

Ever notice how some people treat the bible like it’s the gospel truth?

I didn’t know how to feel alone until I met you.

I really haven’t matured a day since shortly after I was twelve, so I identify as an “umpteenager.”

Could a relationship between a con-artist and a stonemason ever really work, or would he eventually take her for granite?

What good is amassing all of these nuclear arms if we don’t exercise them regularly by hugging someone to death, or snuggling them right off the face of the planet?!

What’s a rhetorical question?

Turnabout is fair phrase.

I’m shallow on so many different levels that it arguably makes me deep.

If I ever have a full-scale catering business that expanded from a confectionery it will be named “Revenge.” It’s motto will be: “Revenge: It’s not ‘just desserts’ anymore.”

I’m considering starting a trendy core strengthening fitness center AND coffee house combination so people can get their coffee on while taking the weight off. Naturally, it will be named “Pilattes.” …actually, it will be one of those hybrid businesses that converts to a bar at night. In the evenings the regulars will call it “Lincoln’s” for short, but its official name is “Sore Core and Seven Beers Ago.”

I’m really excited to open my new Stationary store:  The Customers Always Write.  It’s going to be in a converted Airstream Trailer because you know, the ‘irony.’

I’ve been told my loquaciousness is nothing to “verboast” about.

If you think about it, every story is a true story.

Not all love songs have words.

Love is like a simile.

I’ve been told by a lot of women that I’m “just not boyfriend material.” I contend that I am in fact boyfriend material, they have all just chosen really hideous patterns!

Hyperbole is by far, without question, and by a factor of ten the best thing ever!

What has two thumbs and loves wine!? …wait a minute, where are my thumbs…is it the thumb in the middle?!..what ARE thumbs….zzzzzz

I tried to apply for a job in web development recently, but I had *virtually* no chance, all the best jobs go to spiders.

A writer can only ever truly be bored if what he’s writing is boring.

Not everyone knows this, but before modern day Perkins restaurants, back in the French Revolution, the chain of stores (known then as Marie-Antionette-Callenders) had a combo meal that was a Caesar Salad and one whole fresh baked pastry from the display rack in the front ensuring there would always be leftovers.  The name of the combo was “Let Them Have Cake and Eat Et Tu!”

There is nothing sexier to a woman than a man who knows how to take care of her, and nothing more adorable to a woman than a man who can’t even take care of himself.

What time is it when your business has grown beyond its current management structure?  Time to hire higher hierarchy!

Did I ever tell you about the time I was dating a venture capitalist and I pitched her my business plan for a gym without weights or equipment?  …it didn’t work out!  #tripleenpundre

Sometimes people tell me they’re surprised by the number of clever and witty things I’ve documented on facebook and other places around the interwebs. I don’t know why people are so shocked, I’ve been telling everyone who would listen for years that I’m extremely well e-quipped.