Showtime Calculator (dot com)

Ever show up on time for a concert only to realize, oh yeah, this is show-business and nothing happens on time.  Well luckily you have discovered the Showtime Calculator, which will allow you to determine the precise moment a band will ACTUALLY go on, as opposed to when advertized on the fliers and marquee.  Deciding how “fashionably late” to show up thereafter is up to you.

Time listed on flyer…

+30 minutes if the show is on any day of the week ending in “day.”

+13 minutes for every member of the band that is a girl.

-2 minutes for every member of the band that is a boy.

+1 minute for each of the free drinks the band gets for playing.

+4 minutes for every member of the band who is in a romantic relationship with another member of the band.

+12 minutes for every ex-lover of any member of the band who is in the audience.

+3 minutes for every member of the band who is secretly in love with another member of the band (who is probably dating someone else still in said band.)

-20 minutes if the bar owner is in the house that evening.

+6 minutes if the band name starts with “The”

+9 minutes if the lead singer has a perm